I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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