She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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