Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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