I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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