he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
