Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
