You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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