My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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