Sacagawea was the original milf.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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