the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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