Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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