There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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