honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
