My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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