i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
