Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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