Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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