my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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