Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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