she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
