get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
