Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
