im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
