Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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