Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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