She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
