Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
