Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
