need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
