I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
