called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
