its not stalking. its research.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
