Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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