Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
