I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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