I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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