The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
