I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
