the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
