I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize