Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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