We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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