If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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