Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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