She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
