You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
