she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
