You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Boobs speak an international language.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We are all done wearing pants today
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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