what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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