Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
