I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
