Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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