Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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