The maid of honor just puked.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
