remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i think i have two assholes
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
