Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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