My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
