At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
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