my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
