She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
