home. puking in laundry basket.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
All the doctor said was why
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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