Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
