Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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